I Just Wanted to Take a Bath!

This past summer, we moved to a different home, which meant that now we only have two bathrooms, and unfortunately, the lone tub is situated in the "Sam/Guest" bathroom. This means that I rarely take a bath in there, because I KNOW that when he "cleans" it? A 12 year old boy? Well, it's probably not that clean. So, the other day, my husband went in there, and thoroughly cleaned it, so I knew that I had to jump at this narrow window of opportunity.

We went for a walk this afternoon, then out for sushi (that'll be another blog entry), and as we walk in the house, I remember "Hey, the bathtub is clean", so hurriedly go to the master bathroom to collect my bath items. I get into the other bathroom, and after about 3 minutes, figure out how to actually get the tub filling, then go back to retrieve a towel. Sam is standing in the hallway, outside the bathroom, with a weird look on his face. "What's wrong?", I say.
He replies "I have to poop".
Me: "So, poop. In the other bathroom".
Sam: "I don't want to".
Me: "Well, I don't want you to poop in HERE, right before I'm trying to take a bath"
Sam: "I don't want to go in your bathroom"
Me: "It's just a toilet. What difference does it make? You need to just GO in there, because I'm not gonna be able to RELAX, if I know you're out here WAITING TO POOP!"

At this point, my husband, enters the house, oblivious to this entire exchange, and I yell "SCOTT. MAKE SAM POOP!"
Scott: "Huh?"
Me: "He needs to poop, but doesn't want to go in our bathroom".
Scott (totally matter of factly) sighs, and says "Sam, just grab the plunger, and go on in there".

Feeling the matter to be resolved, I head back into the tub-filling bathroom. Then, knocking on the bathroom door.
Me: "What?"
Sam: "jdie kefoie dkiieo brumph"
Me: "What?!"
Sam: "DKIE EKHDH DJEHH BLAH BLAH BLAH"
Me: "SAM, I CANNOT HEAR YOU OVER THE FILLING TUB!"

So, I put my robe back on, open the door, and he says:
"Just so you know, sometimes you might think the door is locked, but it's not really, so just wanted to tell you that".
Me: "Were you going to try to come in here while I'm taking a bath?"
Sam "EW! NO!"
Me: "Okay, then. We're good. Thanks for the info".

By then, the tub is overfilling, and I'm kinda panicking (not being familiar with it, and all), and somehow, the shower head is partially on, so I'm getting sprayed all over my hair and robe. I FINALLY get it turned off, and get into the bath. Well, now, I just want this to be over.

I get out, gather my things, and head back to my room. Sam sees me, and follows me into our room.
Me: "Did you poop?"
Sam: "No. It went away. Why is your robe all wet?"

A Typical Evening with the Laytons

So, I come home from work (early shift today), and ask Scott & Sam, to go "on a walk" with me. They both agree. It goes pretty well, except for the nonstop trail deviations, onto the muddy shoulder (Sam, not Scott). Plus, when you're going uphill, and a kid is literally running circles around you, no breathlessness at all, it's kinda annoying.

So, we get done, and naturally(?) think "we want sushi", and head for our local sushi place. We order, and the waiter says "Wow....that's a lot of food". Okaaay. We're about to spend a fair amount of cash in here, and you just basically called us pigs.

The first platter comes, and it's the stupid sashimi that my husband insists on getting everytime (not a big fan). So, we all stare at the beautiful display (most of which will NOT be eaten), and await the arrival of our other food. Meanwhile, we begin to prepare our lil dishes of soy sauce w/wasabi. We remind Sam "you want to mix those well", but you know, we're ADULTS, and he's 12, so he's WAY smarter than us, so he just sticks a glob of wasabi......naked, un-soy-sauced, roll-less wasabi IN HIS MOUTH. Well, we missed the initial entry, but it soon became apparent that he was either having some sort of seizure, or his abdominal aorta just ruptured, because he starts writhing around in his seat, head down, sucking down Sprite like there's no tomorrow.

Because we're quick like that, we deduce from the scene, what has occured, but he's not talking. I'm not exactly sure WHAT he was doing, but it involved aforementioned writhing AND, possibly, weeping. So, like any good parent, I grab my iPhone & start taking pictures.(see "choking on a cupcake" on youtube for another example of my parenting skills).

At this point, unbeknownst to him, since his back was to the door, an ambulance has pulled in, and parked outside the sushi place. At some point of this little episode, I believe his head spun (think Linda Blair), and he glimpses the medic unit. "Wha?, he sputters, "why are THEY here". "I called them", I said. "I know you THINK I was taking pictures, but REALLY, I was summoning assistance for my ailing child." At this, he just rolls his eyes.

Sam finally settles down, and we move on to consume the ENTIRE, literal boat-load of sushi (we'll show that waiter guy!). He comes over and says "Now what, guys". I said "I just want to go to bed". The waiter chuckles, but Sam looks mortified and says "Can I have the car keys, please. I'll wait outside". Since I'm sure he would enjoy it, I went with him, and leave "dad" to pay the bill.

I get in the passenger side, and he's (trying) to get in the rear passenger door, and this huge black Mercedes just comes wheeling in, and poor Sam has to retreat, because this guy wasn't stopping. Turns out, it's an old guy (REALLY old), and his wife, and possibly his great-great-great grandchildren? (They were young). He throws open his door and it slams right into the side of our car. He walks to the front of our vehicle, seemingly unaware that I'm SITTING RIGHT THERE, and proceeds to closely exam the FRONT of our car. I guess when he saw my dangling fog light, and residual Bambi damage, he assumed "Welp, THESE people aren't going to be concerned by a door ding", and proceeds into restaurant.

You're probably wondering "Cherie, did you say anything?" No, I did not. Why? I was so freaking full of sushi, that just putting on the seatbelt almost caused an upchuck, so there was NO WAY that I could muster up the fortitude to enter into a confrontation, with an old, yet sprightly appearing, dude. So, when SCOTT gets to the car, we tell him what happened, and he goes to inspect, and says "Eh". Not sure exactly what THAT meant, but assumed no damage.

On the way home, (having seen a classmate with his "other" parents at the restaurant), we discussed how kids of divorced parents usually alternate spending time with each parent, and commented on the fact that Sam has never had to do that. "Your parents are still married", I said, and so "unfortunately we don't have that 'built-in break', when the kid goes off to the other parents". In retrospect, I could've chosen my words more carefully, but I figured he's not listening anyway.

He says "Really, Mom? Did you say unfortunately? Wow." (so, okay he WAS listening).

It's not my fault; I come from a long line of suboptimal parenting......I mean.....not BAD parenting......just the parenting style, wherein the children are there for your entertainment (and to empty the dishwasher). I cannot even BEGIN to tell you the things my dad did to torture us over the years (actually, I can....and I will, in another blog). And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, Sam KNOWS that we are just teasing, and he gives as good as he gets, so I don't want to be seeing CPS on my caller ID. Just sayin...

Hands Free Navigation

On the surface, this sounds like an awesome gadget. You speak, and your vehicle responds appropriately. Except, when it doesn't. Honestly, I gave up a long time ago, trying to learn all the exact phrases I am supposed to use, e.g. "Fan speed up" is the preferred command, rather than "MAKE IT FREAKING COOLER!". So, you know, stuff like that.

However, because it's the LAW, I am forced to utilize the hands free phone system. and believe you me, we've nearly come to blows a time, or two, or eighty-five. Here's how it's SUPPOSED to work: you set up your phone list by speaking the name and the number, and the system "remembers" it, so all you have to do is flick the little switch on the steering wheel and say "Dial" (or "call"....you can say either. Isn't that user friendly?) whoever you want to call.It's supposed to recognize what you're saying. The following, is an example of how this goes:

Me: "Dial Scott"

Evil Vehicle: "Star. Continue to add numbers, or return to previous menu"

Me: "Call Scott" (changing it up a bit...maybe E.V. will understand that)

E.V. "Star. Continue to add numbers, or return to previous menu"

Me: "DIAL SCOTT!!!!!!"

E.V. "Pardon?"

Me: "CALL SCOTT!!!

E.V. "Do you wish to call (pause for drama) Mom & Dad?"

Me: "Did I SAY I want to call Mom & Dad?! No, I did NOT. I said CALL SCOTT!"

E.V. "Pardon?"

Me: "ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On numerous occasions, Sam was in the vehicle. We've had it since he was five. Early on, when I was still trying to work the handsfree navigation and/or the phone thing, he'd pipe up from the backseat, "Mommy? Are you mad at the car, or the phone?"

NOW, he just thinks it's hilarious, and dissolves into giggles everytime the system doesn't understand what I'm saying. When I get REALLY frustrated,(but still able to think clearly), I realize that, just perhaps, the TONE of my voice is throwing off the system. I mean, when I input the original names and numbers, I wasn't yelling them, so I purposely take a big breath, and very calmly, very sweetly, say "Dial Scott", to which it either responds "Star" or "Pardon".

By then, I don't WANT to call Scott anymore, heck, I don't even remember who Scott IS anymore.

A Quickie

So, just in CASE, somebody actually looks at this, I know I've been remiss in posting. It's not that I don't have material......believe me, I do. However, one of the problems with all this new technology, and having a spouse that is your "friend", and your "follower", and whatever the heck else it's called, is that he can SEE everything I post. See? He's even gonna SEE this!

My point is, that a LOT of the comments, "stati"(is that even a word?), or tweets, are kept bottled up inside me, because, well, I DO want to stay married. So, if you ARE interested in reading a new blog, I'm working on editing my thoughts, and hopefully, one will emerge soon.